If Miley the schnoodle could talk

If Miley could speak English...

When Miley:
Gets tired of waiting for you to finish getting ready in the bathroom: You don't see me sneaking in to check on you and quickly ducking out again. For the 3rd time. Carry on.

Hears a strange noise while you are getting ready in the bathroom: Don't mind me, I'm just going to check the closet again for the secret entrance to Narnia. Nope... nothin'. Carry on.

Hears a car approaching the house: I know I'm not allowed to bark so I'm just going to whine loudly and shake my tail feathers because I'm really excited!

Hears Russell's car approaching the house: I can NOT contain the excitement! Just a single bark. See, that wasn't so bad, right?

Hears a bag being opened in the kitchen: Coming!

Sees the BB gun being brought outside by one of the boys: Leaving!

Hears the bathtub being run: I'm just going to nonchalantly check to see if what I think is going on is actually going on... yep. Thought so. You never saw me... I'm backing away slowly and was never here... dogs don't neeeeed baths...

Welcomes you home after you've been gone for hours: OH MY GOSH, YOU'RE HOME! OH MY GOSH, I LOVE YOU! WELCOME HOME, WELCOME HOME! I shall now run in a circle around your legs five times and then race back and forth across the room twice and then go grab one of my toys and attack it joyfully because YOU'RE HOME, YOU'RE HOME!

Welcomes you home after you've been gone for 15 minutes: see above.

Welcomes you back inside after you've been outside for longer than 10 minutes: see above.

Welcomes anyone to our home, no matter who they are or if we even know them: see above.

Realizes our visitor is our friend the deputy sherriff in his uniform: Danger! Alert! Stay back, people, there's something fishy about this one. I'll just keep my eye on him from under this dining room chair.

Welcomes you home after being naughty and getting into the kitchen trash: Oh you're here? What a coincidence, I was just slinking, err, leaving to head outside to wallow in shame and regret. Pay no attention to me...  

Sees you put your shoes on: I can see that you are about to ditch me so I'm just going to stay standing, no further than 5 feet away from you no matter where you go in the house or what you do, FOR ALL ETERNITY, or until you take your shoes back off.

Hears you zipping up your boots in the closet: Did I just hear what I think I heard? Show yourself immediately so I can know whether or not I need to be on high alert!

Thinks you are walking towards the front door: Race you there! Really? Just the kitchen again? LAME.

Sees the kids go outside: let me out too, let me out!

Notices you stayed inside: let me back in! I love you!

Gets a dog treat: No need to tell me to sit. I'm already sitting.

Gets a dog treat from the gas attendant/bank drive-thru/coffee drive-thru: I will sniff your treat but don't expect me to take it from you... stranger danger! Please hand it to one of my people.

Gets dog food poured in her bowl: Step one: I shall sniff the food. Step two: I shall ignore the food for two minutes so no one else thinks it's appetizing and tries to eat it. Step three: I shall sneak a bite and briskly walk to the front doormat where I shall "test it". Step four: I will now eat the food, unless you leave the kitchen, in which case I will abandon all eating until I am sure you are not leaving me.

Gets dog food poured in her bowl when you have your shoes on: PLEASE, like that's going to fool me. Food is dead to me while you have your shoes on!